The Archive: “Begot’s Ice Cream Shop”
For the first official post on this new creative writing blog, I decided to go back into my "archive." I originally wrote this skit way back when I was in high school, along with my first full-length short story "Friends Under Fire." This is the first skit I can remember writing. A program on PBS called The Ice Cream Show inspired it. The show went across the country to ice cream shops and detailed their histories, menus, and their quirks. One ice cream shop on the East Coast had a tradition of using ice cream lingo. For example, among the male employees, whenever they would say "vanilla" it meant that a beautiful woman had walked in. I took this idea, expanded it, and turned it into a hilarious and offensive skit.
Years later, this skit ended up being performed as part of "Out Da Box," a yearly sketch comedy revue at Northwestern University produced by the African-American Theater Ensemble. It was just one of a few skits that I wrote that made it into that year’s show. The other skits from that year are posted at my Fiction Press site. I won’t be reposting things from my Fiction Press site on this blog. However, i will link to the things on there from this blog in the future.
So, I hope you enjoy this bit of sketch comedy in its original, choppy form. And be warned...if you are sensitive to edgy humor, don’t read any further.
Sketch # 1
Setting: Ice Cream Shop
Time: Daytime
(Opens with shot of an average-looking ice cream shop. Three workers are behind the counter serving customers. The customers leave and Man #1 approaches counter.)
Female Worker: Hi and welcome to Begot's Ice Cream Shop. What would you like today?
Man #1: Umm, I would like a double scoop ice cream cone, please.
Female Worker: What kind of ice cream would you like on the cone?
Man #1: Vanilla.
Female Worker: Coming right up. (To other two workers) Hey! This man wants two crackers' heads on a stick!
Man #1: (Surprised) Excuse me, I didn't order that!
Female Worker: You ordered a double scoop cone of vanilla didn't you?
Man #1: Yes I did.
Female Worker: Well, there shouldn't be a problem. Do you want your ice cream on a cone cone or on a cup cone?
Man #1: A cup cone, please.
Female Worker: Okay, sir. (To other workers) Hey! Get the two crackers' heads on sticks in a pit!
Man #1: Why do you keep saying I want "crackers heads"?
Female Worker: I'm sorry. When we take orders, we use a special lingo to communicate them so that it would be easy for our workers to understand.
(Male Worker #1 comes to the side of the counter where FW and M#1 are with an ice cream cone)
Male Worker #1: Here is your double scoop cup cone of vanilla ice cream. Anything else?
Man #1: No, thank you.
Female Worker: That'll be $1.75.
(Man pays for cone and hurriedly leaves. Woman #1 enters.)
Male Worker #1: Welcome to Begot's Ice Cream Shop, can I help you?
Woman #1: I heard you sell rose flavored ice cream, is that true?
Male Worker #1: Yes it is. It has real rose petals in it.
Woman #1: I'll take two scoops of it in a cup, please.
Male Worker #1: Coming right up. (To Male Worker #2) Hey! This woman wants two lesbians in a bed together.
Woman #1 (Nervously): No, no, no, no! I ordered rose ice cream in a cup. I didn't say anything about two lesbians!!!
Male Worker #1: Your sexual orientation does not discriminate you here at Begot's ice cream shop. We serve everyone equally regardless of race, color,...
(Woman #1 gets disgusted and leaves. Man #2 and Woman #2 enter. Man #2 must be African-American and Woman #2 must be White)
Male Worker #2: Uh-oh! Here comes a chocolate sundae with vanilla ice cream!
Man #2: What did you just say?
Male Worker #2: Welcome to Begot's Ice Cream, can I help you?
(Man #2 relaxes and walks over to counter)
Man #2: You know you must have read my mind, because I came in here to get a chocolate sundae with vanilla ice cream. Give us two please.
Male Worker #2: (Shouts to other worker) Give me two OJ Simpsons! (To Man #2) Do you want toppings on your sundaes?
Man #2 (to Woman #2): What do you want on your sundae, dear?
Woman #2: Nuts, that's it.
Male Worker #2: Put some BIG NUTS on one of those OJ's!
Man #2 (to Male Worker #2, angry): What the hell is your problem?
Male Worker #2: Is there a problem, sir?
Man #2 (angry): Hell yeah! The language you are using is shameful.
Male Worker #2: What language, sir?
Man #2: You know, the (quietly) big nuts comment.
Male Worker #2: Sir, I’m not gay.
Man #2 (furious): Why you son of a...(to Woman #2) come on dear, we’re leaving!!!
(Man #2 & Woman #2 leave out hurriedly)
Male Worker #2: What a soft serve.
(Father and son enter the store)
Father: Hey Jimmy, why don’t we get some ice cream?
Son: OK, Daddy! I want some rainbow sherbert!
Father: OK, OK. (to Female Worker) Hi, can I get a cup of rainbow sherbert and a cup of rocky road please.
Female Worker: Of course, sir. (To Back) Gimme one gay pride parade and one midlife crisis.
Father: No, no. I said a cup of rainow sherbert and a cup of rocky road ice cream. Maybe you got it confused.
Female Worker: That’s what I said sir, a cup of rainbow sherbert and a cup of rocky road ice cream.
Voice from Back: Say the first one again!!
Female Worker (to back, slowly): One gay pride parade! Sheesh, that’s what I get for working with caramels.
Father: Jimmy, we’re just going to have to get ice cream from somewhere else. (They exit)
Male Worker #2: What a slow week, I guess business won’t pick up until the vanilla ice cream with whipped creams comes.
Female Worker: Or when the Republican National Convention comes to town.
END
Years later, this skit ended up being performed as part of "Out Da Box," a yearly sketch comedy revue at Northwestern University produced by the African-American Theater Ensemble. It was just one of a few skits that I wrote that made it into that year’s show. The other skits from that year are posted at my Fiction Press site. I won’t be reposting things from my Fiction Press site on this blog. However, i will link to the things on there from this blog in the future.
So, I hope you enjoy this bit of sketch comedy in its original, choppy form. And be warned...if you are sensitive to edgy humor, don’t read any further.
Sketch # 1
Setting: Ice Cream Shop
Time: Daytime
(Opens with shot of an average-looking ice cream shop. Three workers are behind the counter serving customers. The customers leave and Man #1 approaches counter.)
Female Worker: Hi and welcome to Begot's Ice Cream Shop. What would you like today?
Man #1: Umm, I would like a double scoop ice cream cone, please.
Female Worker: What kind of ice cream would you like on the cone?
Man #1: Vanilla.
Female Worker: Coming right up. (To other two workers) Hey! This man wants two crackers' heads on a stick!
Man #1: (Surprised) Excuse me, I didn't order that!
Female Worker: You ordered a double scoop cone of vanilla didn't you?
Man #1: Yes I did.
Female Worker: Well, there shouldn't be a problem. Do you want your ice cream on a cone cone or on a cup cone?
Man #1: A cup cone, please.
Female Worker: Okay, sir. (To other workers) Hey! Get the two crackers' heads on sticks in a pit!
Man #1: Why do you keep saying I want "crackers heads"?
Female Worker: I'm sorry. When we take orders, we use a special lingo to communicate them so that it would be easy for our workers to understand.
(Male Worker #1 comes to the side of the counter where FW and M#1 are with an ice cream cone)
Male Worker #1: Here is your double scoop cup cone of vanilla ice cream. Anything else?
Man #1: No, thank you.
Female Worker: That'll be $1.75.
(Man pays for cone and hurriedly leaves. Woman #1 enters.)
Male Worker #1: Welcome to Begot's Ice Cream Shop, can I help you?
Woman #1: I heard you sell rose flavored ice cream, is that true?
Male Worker #1: Yes it is. It has real rose petals in it.
Woman #1: I'll take two scoops of it in a cup, please.
Male Worker #1: Coming right up. (To Male Worker #2) Hey! This woman wants two lesbians in a bed together.
Woman #1 (Nervously): No, no, no, no! I ordered rose ice cream in a cup. I didn't say anything about two lesbians!!!
Male Worker #1: Your sexual orientation does not discriminate you here at Begot's ice cream shop. We serve everyone equally regardless of race, color,...
(Woman #1 gets disgusted and leaves. Man #2 and Woman #2 enter. Man #2 must be African-American and Woman #2 must be White)
Male Worker #2: Uh-oh! Here comes a chocolate sundae with vanilla ice cream!
Man #2: What did you just say?
Male Worker #2: Welcome to Begot's Ice Cream, can I help you?
(Man #2 relaxes and walks over to counter)
Man #2: You know you must have read my mind, because I came in here to get a chocolate sundae with vanilla ice cream. Give us two please.
Male Worker #2: (Shouts to other worker) Give me two OJ Simpsons! (To Man #2) Do you want toppings on your sundaes?
Man #2 (to Woman #2): What do you want on your sundae, dear?
Woman #2: Nuts, that's it.
Male Worker #2: Put some BIG NUTS on one of those OJ's!
Man #2 (to Male Worker #2, angry): What the hell is your problem?
Male Worker #2: Is there a problem, sir?
Man #2 (angry): Hell yeah! The language you are using is shameful.
Male Worker #2: What language, sir?
Man #2: You know, the (quietly) big nuts comment.
Male Worker #2: Sir, I’m not gay.
Man #2 (furious): Why you son of a...(to Woman #2) come on dear, we’re leaving!!!
(Man #2 & Woman #2 leave out hurriedly)
Male Worker #2: What a soft serve.
(Father and son enter the store)
Father: Hey Jimmy, why don’t we get some ice cream?
Son: OK, Daddy! I want some rainbow sherbert!
Father: OK, OK. (to Female Worker) Hi, can I get a cup of rainbow sherbert and a cup of rocky road please.
Female Worker: Of course, sir. (To Back) Gimme one gay pride parade and one midlife crisis.
Father: No, no. I said a cup of rainow sherbert and a cup of rocky road ice cream. Maybe you got it confused.
Female Worker: That’s what I said sir, a cup of rainbow sherbert and a cup of rocky road ice cream.
Voice from Back: Say the first one again!!
Female Worker (to back, slowly): One gay pride parade! Sheesh, that’s what I get for working with caramels.
Father: Jimmy, we’re just going to have to get ice cream from somewhere else. (They exit)
Male Worker #2: What a slow week, I guess business won’t pick up until the vanilla ice cream with whipped creams comes.
Female Worker: Or when the Republican National Convention comes to town.
END
posted by Sterfish at 8:13 PM
1 Comments:
Funny! I love this. I somehow hope this could be performed in Singapore.
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