Archives: "Your Friendly Neighborhood Crackhead"
Back in 2002, I wrote a bunch of material that I submitted for inclusion in the sketch comedy revue Out Da Box. These five short skits revolving around a crackhead were among the large amount of stuff that was rejected. Reading them again, I can see why. I have to admit that these aren't exactly my best work. However, I'm still kind of proud of skit number four...it's the best of the bunch.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy these skits.
Characters (Total)
Crackhead: M
Man: M
Woman: F
Dealer: M/F
Cop: M/F
Crackhead's Woman (non-speaking): F
(Crackhead is standing in an area not far away from apartment buildings. Man #1 leaves his apartment and locks his door. He walks by the crackhead.)
Crackhead: Can I sell you somthin man? I got some good shit for ya!
Man: No, leave me alone!
Crackhead: Naw man, check this out here! I got this nice china plate for ya (holds up Paper plate)
Man: That ain't china! That's a paper plate!
Crackhead: You see, it's a special type of china! It's made to look exactly like a paper plate! It's a steal at $5!
Man: Oh, I'll bet you stole that alright. (leaves)
Crackhead: Hey come on now! I'll have you know this is top notch KFC China man! High quality right here!
(END)
(Crackhead is standing on street corner. There is a cup for people to put change in. People are walking by.)
Crackhead: (singing) Jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber JAW! Jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber JAW! Come on ya'll! Show a brother some love man! Ya'll don't know that one? How about this! (singing) Tooom Slick! Tooom Slick! Dewn dewn dewn dewn! Tooom Slick! Okay...(singing) George! George! George of the Jungle! Fast as he can be! Ya'll remember these cartoons from back in the day! Give a brother a little appreciation. (person drops a penny in the cup) Thank you! Gigantor! Gigantor! Gigaaaaa-aaaantor!
(END)
(Crackhead is standing in front of building. A woman comes out of the doorway dressed in a coat. She lights a cigarette.)
Crackhead: You know, cigarettes are bad for you.
Woman: Yeah, you can talk...you're a crackhead.
Crackhead: Okay, you right, this is true. How many you smoke a day about?
Woman: About a pack.
Crackhead: Daamn! That's a lot of cigarettes. You probably spend more in a month on cigarettes than I do on crack.
Woman (pauses): Well, damn you are probably right.
Crackhead: I know I am. See, that's why you need this half-opened almost expired box of Nicorette right here. It's only $20!
Woman: Ugh. Should've known you were selling something. Jeez! (puts out cigarette then leaves).
Crackhead: Hey! You ain't never seen those Truth ads? Smoking kills ya you know. (pause) Oh well (puts a piece of gum in his mouth) This is kinda good.
(END)
(Dealer is standing on corner. Crackhead walks up to Dealer looking around as he walks.)
Dealer: How much you want today?
Crackhead: Nothin...I need a new crackpipe.
Dealer: A crackpipe? What happened to your other one?
Crackhead: Broke it.
Dealer: What?
Crackhead: Those damn monkey birds wouldn't leave me alone, man! They had to be stopped!
Dealer: Monkey birds? (pause) Look, I don't have any pipes with me today. Why don't you try another method?
Crackhead: Been scared of needles since I was young and (gets louder and looks up at the sky) scared of those got damn monkey birds since I was 12!
Dealer: There's no such thing as monkey birds.
Crackhead: Oh, there is all right...and there's one behind ya! (jumps towards Dealer who steps out the way just in the nick of time) I got ya dammit! (punches the floor) How you like that, huh? What?
Dealer: Damn! I'll bring you a pipe tomorrow! (walks away) (to himself) He was actually screwed up BEFORE the crack got him.
Crackhead: (punching floor) A-ha! I knocked one eye out, just 42 to go!
(END)
(Crackhead is standing and doing nothing. Cop walks by.)
Crackhead: Good morning, officer.
Cop: Morning....ohhh, it's you again. Just get out of jail?
Crackhead: Rehab.
Cop: Rehab, hmm. How long till I gotta arrest you again?...Four, five hours tops.
Crackhead: I'm off it for good this time.
Cop: Okay, whatever...let's see what's on ya today. (Pats Crackhead down and finds nothing)
Crackhead: See, not a vial to be found.
Cop: Yet. How long before you try to sell a stolen vibrator or try to pass off some Payless sneakers as Air Force One-and-a-halfs to get money for crack?
Crackhead: Ha, ha. For real, I'm never smoking crack again. I've got a job now.
Cop: A job? (laughs) That's rich. Well, I better not catch you hawking a piece of dental floss as Christina Aguilera's underwear you hear?
Crackhead: Yes, officer. (Cop walks away. Crackhead looks around then looks behind a building) It's okay, you can come out now.
(Crackhead's Woman walks out from behind the building. Crackhead starts to walk and talk with her)
Crackhead: Now, don't worry. I'm gonna be a good pimp. I'd never slap a woman. It's gonna be good though, all pimps start somewhere. I'm gonna be the next Bishop Don Magic Juan, and I'll have my own documentary on HBO. Snoop Dogg gonna ask me to talk on his next record. I'm gonna be big, baby!
(END SKITS)
Anyway, I hope you enjoy these skits.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Crackhead
This is a collection of 5 very short skits made for use in between longer skits.
Copyright 2002 by Sterling Fisher
Characters (Total)
Crackhead: M
Man: M
Woman: F
Dealer: M/F
Cop: M/F
Crackhead's Woman (non-speaking): F
I.
(Crackhead is standing in an area not far away from apartment buildings. Man #1 leaves his apartment and locks his door. He walks by the crackhead.)
Crackhead: Can I sell you somthin man? I got some good shit for ya!
Man: No, leave me alone!
Crackhead: Naw man, check this out here! I got this nice china plate for ya (holds up Paper plate)
Man: That ain't china! That's a paper plate!
Crackhead: You see, it's a special type of china! It's made to look exactly like a paper plate! It's a steal at $5!
Man: Oh, I'll bet you stole that alright. (leaves)
Crackhead: Hey come on now! I'll have you know this is top notch KFC China man! High quality right here!
(END)
II.
(Crackhead is standing on street corner. There is a cup for people to put change in. People are walking by.)
Crackhead: (singing) Jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber JAW! Jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber JAW! Come on ya'll! Show a brother some love man! Ya'll don't know that one? How about this! (singing) Tooom Slick! Tooom Slick! Dewn dewn dewn dewn! Tooom Slick! Okay...(singing) George! George! George of the Jungle! Fast as he can be! Ya'll remember these cartoons from back in the day! Give a brother a little appreciation. (person drops a penny in the cup) Thank you! Gigantor! Gigantor! Gigaaaaa-aaaantor!
(END)
III.
(Crackhead is standing in front of building. A woman comes out of the doorway dressed in a coat. She lights a cigarette.)
Crackhead: You know, cigarettes are bad for you.
Woman: Yeah, you can talk...you're a crackhead.
Crackhead: Okay, you right, this is true. How many you smoke a day about?
Woman: About a pack.
Crackhead: Daamn! That's a lot of cigarettes. You probably spend more in a month on cigarettes than I do on crack.
Woman (pauses): Well, damn you are probably right.
Crackhead: I know I am. See, that's why you need this half-opened almost expired box of Nicorette right here. It's only $20!
Woman: Ugh. Should've known you were selling something. Jeez! (puts out cigarette then leaves).
Crackhead: Hey! You ain't never seen those Truth ads? Smoking kills ya you know. (pause) Oh well (puts a piece of gum in his mouth) This is kinda good.
(END)
IV.
(Dealer is standing on corner. Crackhead walks up to Dealer looking around as he walks.)
Dealer: How much you want today?
Crackhead: Nothin...I need a new crackpipe.
Dealer: A crackpipe? What happened to your other one?
Crackhead: Broke it.
Dealer: What?
Crackhead: Those damn monkey birds wouldn't leave me alone, man! They had to be stopped!
Dealer: Monkey birds? (pause) Look, I don't have any pipes with me today. Why don't you try another method?
Crackhead: Been scared of needles since I was young and (gets louder and looks up at the sky) scared of those got damn monkey birds since I was 12!
Dealer: There's no such thing as monkey birds.
Crackhead: Oh, there is all right...and there's one behind ya! (jumps towards Dealer who steps out the way just in the nick of time) I got ya dammit! (punches the floor) How you like that, huh? What?
Dealer: Damn! I'll bring you a pipe tomorrow! (walks away) (to himself) He was actually screwed up BEFORE the crack got him.
Crackhead: (punching floor) A-ha! I knocked one eye out, just 42 to go!
(END)
V.
(Crackhead is standing and doing nothing. Cop walks by.)
Crackhead: Good morning, officer.
Cop: Morning....ohhh, it's you again. Just get out of jail?
Crackhead: Rehab.
Cop: Rehab, hmm. How long till I gotta arrest you again?...Four, five hours tops.
Crackhead: I'm off it for good this time.
Cop: Okay, whatever...let's see what's on ya today. (Pats Crackhead down and finds nothing)
Crackhead: See, not a vial to be found.
Cop: Yet. How long before you try to sell a stolen vibrator or try to pass off some Payless sneakers as Air Force One-and-a-halfs to get money for crack?
Crackhead: Ha, ha. For real, I'm never smoking crack again. I've got a job now.
Cop: A job? (laughs) That's rich. Well, I better not catch you hawking a piece of dental floss as Christina Aguilera's underwear you hear?
Crackhead: Yes, officer. (Cop walks away. Crackhead looks around then looks behind a building) It's okay, you can come out now.
(Crackhead's Woman walks out from behind the building. Crackhead starts to walk and talk with her)
Crackhead: Now, don't worry. I'm gonna be a good pimp. I'd never slap a woman. It's gonna be good though, all pimps start somewhere. I'm gonna be the next Bishop Don Magic Juan, and I'll have my own documentary on HBO. Snoop Dogg gonna ask me to talk on his next record. I'm gonna be big, baby!
(END SKITS)
posted by Sterfish at 5:58 AM
1 Comments:
Yes skit no4 is ok ,but i can clearly see why they were all rejected keep writing and creating
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